The trach

Birth is a powerful experience.  Many women report discovering untapped reserves and strength they never knew existed.  This was the case with Bekah's birth.  It was a 33 hour long labor and a fully natural, unmedicated birth.  I felt so powerful and so strong after she was born.  I knew I could face anything after that.  But here I was six weeks later listening to a doctor telling me that if Bekah's next extubation doesn't go well, she would require a tracheostomy.  Translation; they were going to cut a hole in my baby's throat!  There was nothing I could do.  We were at the mercy of her respiratory muscles.  Hope of bringing her home in tact was fading.

After the breathing tube was removed, Bekah only breathed on her own for about half an hour before she became tired and needed intervention.  They put the breathing tube back in, allowed the machine to breath for her and made the final decision. Her operation was scheduled for just a few days later.

The tracheostomy is a fairly simple procedure.  A small incision is made in the neck below the adam's apple, a little fat is removed, and a tube is inserted.  Sutures are tethered to the shoulders to ensure the aperture stays open.  I kissed Bekah goodnight as she was wheeled into the operating room a second time.

I waited in the sunlight outside.  The most profound sense of peace came over me.  It is the kind of feeling one can only experience in the utmost defeat.  The moment the mouse, still living, lays limp in the cat's clutches.  There was nowhere to go from here, no fighting to do, no pleading, or hoping.  Bekah was getting her trach.  HER trach.  It was now a part of her life and it belonged to her, helped to define her and would hopefully sustain her life.

When she returned from surgery, she was still sleeping, bloated from the extra fluids they gave her, and completely paralyzed.  They had given her a medication to ensure she wouldn't move during the procedure.  Her tongue was the first to awaken.  I watched as it slowly began to move, seeking comfort.  She was eager to suck but she wasn't strong enough to hold the pacifier in her mouth.